How Not to Date

I know, I  know...if I treat my dating life like I treat this blog, I'm going to be single forever.  I've been out and about trying to gather material! 

There is a new show on VH1 called Undateable and I'm obsessed with it.  It's pretty much a visual manual of all the horrible things guys do to make them undateable (hence the clever title). Between that show, my own god awful dating experiences and this article, I decided it was time to write a little post about how not to date.  Also, I figured being an expert on the subject wouldn't hurt either.

Believe it or not, the random article above is a prime example on how not to date.  I'd also like to show off my talent for shifting the blame.  Sure, this woman caused a car accident by rear-ending a car due to the fact that she was shaving her hoo ha (side note: her ex-boyfriend was not only driving her to meet her new boyfriend, but steering her car while she "prepared the goods" - she should teach a friggin class!), but really, the new boyfriend must not have given her enough notice for the date.  If I'm in such a hurry that I'm trying to apply hot wax while trying not to rear end a civic, you probably didn't give me enough time to prepare for the date.

Here are some helpful dating tips:
1) Plan our activities before the date.  I once went out with this guy named Timmy (no, he wasn't 11...and yes, I know I should've known going out with a guy named Timmy wasn't going to end well). Dinner was not too painful, so I agreed to go watch a movie at his house. Well, once we got there, he decided it would be more fun to have me watch him blow things up with black cat fireworks while I sat on the porch and watched.  Also, he was on the phone with his brother the whole time describing exactly how far the grapefruit stuffed with 10 black cats flew.  I didn't even tell Timmy goodbye.  I quietly left while the sounds of an exploding cheerio box muffled the sound of my car engine.

2) Have a few "go-to" conversations.  On another epically bad date, I learned the importance of "safe" date topics.  We were at dinner having normal first date conversation on safe topics: family, jobs, pets, the usual. He seemed really attached to his dog and after about 10 minutes of hearing how amazing this dog was, he tells me that he doesn't know how he would have survived getting out of the hospital if it weren't for this dog.  At this point, I'm praying that he was in a bad car accident or survived a horrible case of MRSA. Anything other than: "yeah, after spending a year in [insert name of known mental hospital here], I really needed a friend".  I'm all for getting help if you need it, but this is definitely NOT a first date topic.  Unrelated - this guy also said, no less than 10 times on the date, "I need you to do me a favor...and smile". How about I don't.

3) Don't get too comfortable after the first date.  Sometimes my quest to be the World's Best Wingwoman has its advantages.  When my winged woman found herself in a successful relationship, she introduced me to one of her boy's friends.  It wasn't love at first sight, but he won me over with his sense of humor and we had a really good first date.  Then things went downhill FAST.  A week after our first date, he called me in the middle of a Wednesday night HAMMERED and was asking if I could come pick him up from the Waffle House and take him home.  There are so many things wrong with that sentence, I can't even go into it.  Because I was trying to give this guy a chance, I was stupid enough to call him back the next day. He told me he was on his way home from getting a new phone...his last one got ruined when he wet the bed with his phone in his pocket.  He texted me a few times after that. I was finally able to get rid of him when he texted me: On a scale of 1-10, how bad do you miss me?  My response: How can I miss you when you never go away?  He got the hint.

There are a thousand other ways dates can go horribly wrong.  I'm apparently trying to be sure I discover each and every one of those ways. I'll keep you posted!